


goddamnit, i love you (disgrace)

by heecheondo (HChnD)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: AND I DO THIS FOR YEARS, Alternate Universe, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Clubbing, Dark Past, Drinking, I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS STRESSED OVER TAGS, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kinda, Lost Boys, M/M, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, Overthinking, POV Third Person, Peace, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Recreational Drug Use, San is interested in art, San-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and are poly gays, and have their personal issues, anyway, as in they don't know what they're doing with their lives, atinys please dont hate me, atinys will you be my friend, but again it's kinda, but he tries his best, but just a bit ok!!!!!!!, but like... it's more than just that ok, but this is probably less bad, he is also incredibly insecure and unsure, i swear i tried to make this interesting, idk how to call this au honestly, it's at them not from them, kinda??, like it's an unofficial poly relationship, solely because I'm an art major, stan ATEEZ, that's. a thing and a tag wow, the f homophobic slur quickly appears, these tags are stressful, they don't label their thing, they ride a van to nowhere specific, write for ateez
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo
Summary: When five lost souls finally find themselves in each other.Alternatively, how San finally discovered who he is, what he want to do and where he belongs.





	goddamnit, i love you (disgrace)

**Author's Note:**

> first of all [stream the comeback](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKU4OVH18mE) for good grades. say my name say my name say my naaaaaaameee nae ireumeun ireumeun A TO THE Z  
> so, hi. starting the year with a big and quite complex fic for a fandom i had barely decided to enter. this is starting to become a habit of mine and i'm not sure how to feel about it but hey, still doing it lol.  
> for context, i started this mid december, when i had deadass JUST got into these eight children and i felt hard and quick for san, but that was the start of my doom as i felt in love with All of 99z as well to the point i cant decide one bias and altho i kind of feel like im a jongho stan i'm also still in love with yeosang......... and san............. and mingi........ and like... all the others too. anyway, this au is something i had in mind, although not quite exactly. i just wanted to write "lost" people, idk how to explain it with better words, but hopefully as you read this it'll become clear. and since the idea was something i REALLY wanted to work on and i wanted to write something abt these five, for being so in love with them and their friendship, so i decided to just merge both wills into one thing and ended up starting this.  
> btw, when i started this i was worn out and couldn't write Shit. for real, i put all my wips on hiatus and tried writing small stories to make my sparkle go back as this was how i deal with blocks, but that didn't work this time/when i started this. surprisingly i wrote most of this still blocked, which kind of explains the lack of plot, but i do think i did better in other aspects. either way, since this is an au i had Some idea but was still was very open yet and lacked many points to make it interesting, i let myself get inspired by other stuff. i'll list them in the end! i also started this on paper and had like 4k on my school book because i felt like if i left my comfort zone (writing on my phone on google docs) it would ALSO help me get inspired, even if i'd need to edit it more because my writing on paper is messier. and it worked ! so yey *insert hongjoong's laugh from pirate king/hala hala here*  
> super duper mega special thanks for luna ([twt](https://twitter.com/petithyunho) / [ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackpxxk)) who read this when this was at 6,2k and then a second time when it was at like 16k and something and gave me criticism/opinions/suggestions as well as praise!!! dfkjdshfksjhdfsj TEN THOUSAND THANKS!!!!!!!!!!♡♡♡♡♡♡♡  
> please enjoy!!

San looked at the window of the van, suddenly thinking about his life. He couldn't help but think he had wasted it. Twenty two, soon twenty three, a university dropout, jobless, also homeless to a certain extent. His young self would probably be disappointed at his current self while his parents were _definitely_ disappointed, although they had an extra reason for that. That was another thing he failed at: being loved by his parents. They weren’t always there, too busy with work to actually raise him themselves, and it felt weird to tell them his secrets, how he felt, who he was. He _did_ try to be close to them, mind you, but they thought otherwise. It was common to be disinherited if you're gay, but maybe if he hadn't thrown his life away and actually tried his best to be someone successful, maybe he wouldn't need to run. Maybe he'd be accepted and loved despite him not being straight. Maybe.

But no. He had failed at everything. He ignored the small chances he had to become something _they_ would love, something he was taught to be since young, something he didn’t want to be. He had wasted his life _so bad_ , in their eyes especially, and this is why he was in this van. He had failed to become something they would love and also failed to become someone he would be proud of, and so, he was running away from his mistakes left behind. 

“A penny for your thoughts?”, he heard a soft voice speak by his side. San turned to stare at its owner, the recently dyed purple hue bright enough to instantly grab his attention with a single glare. “You’ve been spacing out for solid fifteen minutes.”

He scoffed, running a hand onto his hair, now an unnatural shade of green. “And I bet you spent them all staring at me, am I right, Wooyoung-ah?”

“Correct. I do love staring at you, after all”, he replied with a flirtatious grin. “But really, is there something bothering you?”

“There always is”, he vaguely answered, hoping for the younger not to press it. He knew he wouldn’t. Nor he nor any of the others ever demanded answers and, in response, he didn’t ask much either. It was like an unspoken rule for them, to give everyone their space and not ask much.

San was about to look away from Wooyoung when he felt a hand clinging onto his own. He looked down at how it just felt right, the two hands, one on top of the other, the fingers now curled together. It was kind of an adorable scene, if he had to describe it, as sad as their current lifestyle was. “It’s okay”, the purple haired man simply said after a while, voice low like a whisper but not quite it. His words were simple and short get it was enough to warm his heart, to assure him that it really was okay. Or it would be.

“You three awake?”, a low voice spoke from the front seat, a voice the green haired man knew belonged to Mingi.

“Yeosang passed out on the back seat but San and I are wide awake”, the youngest replied for him. “Why?”

“We’re reaching a motel”, it was Yunho who spoke this time, the driver of the night, “and we’re going to stay there for the night. Maybe for a bit longer, who knows.”

“Sounds great”, Wooyoung replied. San opted to quietly nod, he knew it was no use to discuss this now. They were all tired, they needed a proper sleep before discussing on their stops.

“Hopefully we can rest”, Yunho confessed, to which the other by his side scoffed. “What? I’ve been driving for a while now. I deserve it.”

“I know, it’s just”, Mingi paused for a while, “you never really mean _rest_ when you say it.”

“I know that”, San couldn’t see him but he was certain their oldest was smirking. He rolled his eyes, not wanting to know about this rest they meant and daydreaming about an actual rest, counting the seconds to lay his head onto a soft mattress.

When young, he was always told to not trust strangers so blindly, but those words came from the same people who told him they’d love him no matter what. So he did just that: trust a group of strange individuals who maybe didn’t deserve such trust, at least not so quickly. It’s not like he had much choice, actually, but even if he did San slowly found himself not minding much. He didn’t regret coming with them, running away alongside them. He was glad his path crossed theirs, the four of them. They were his light at the end of the tunnel, in a way. Maybe he gave them too much credit, since he was so lost before them. In the end, they were most likely as lost as himself, which to anyone with a functioning brain would obviously consider it a huge red flag. They weren’t exactly the best people to trust considering they were on the same boat as him.

But somehow it was okay. It didn’t matter because they had each other or, well, at least for San that was enough, and he hoped the others were on the same page as him. It was okay for him and he was thankful he had found them.

Or, better, he was thankful that he was found by them. They were the ones who found a lonely Choi San eating at a shitty diner at three am, feet and back sore from all the walking he had gone through the streets, moving towards nowhere specific. They were the ones who found him there for the same reason they were entering the diner, for being tired of (on their case, metaphorically) running so much and needing some food on their stomach, as shitty as it was.

San still remembers how they sat on a table relatively far from his, the only customers to dare enter at such hour after himself. He remembers how the taller one - whom he’d soon be introduced as Yunho - pointed at his direction, how the one by his side - Mingi, he remembered - discreetly looked where the first one pointed, how the two who had his back towards him turned to stare at him without trying to be discreet at all, making him gulp down his nervousness. He had no idea why the group of four, clearly around his age but all strangers, would give him such attention for doing nothing and, obviously, he thought of the worst. It only made him panic more once one of them stood up, a pretty and small face walking towards him and demand to know his name, introducing himself as Yeosang, Kang Yeosang. He remembers blinking in confusion and saying he was named San, Choi San, in a tone that made obvious how taken aback he was. Yeosang had waited a couple of seconds - that felt too long back then - before reacting by giving him a genuine smile, sitting in front of him, and starting some small chat that he doesn’t really remember as well as he thinks he should. However, he does remember feeling safe, for some reason, and opening up that he was going nowhere specific and was simply leaving his past behind, without many details. At that Yeosang smiled and said, “We are pretty much the same then.” He never clarified but somehow he could tell the ‘we’ he mentioned applied not only for the two of them but the trio at the other table as well.

At some point, the others came to his table as well, and by the end of his meal he had a ride to nowhere. His brain kept telling him that this was risky and could probably scar him forever, but San ignored it all and followed them into their van, and he was yet to regret that decision. Because his life may have been wasted until then, but it was starting from that day that he finally decided to leave it behind _for good_ and do what he wanted now. Screw university, getting a job, making your family name prosper. Choi San was going to do what _he_ wanted to, and he wanted to follow these four men to whenever they ended up to go. He’d follow them to hell if so they ended up going to.

 

 

 

 

 

“A bed, fucking finally”, Mingi said first thing as they got into their recently rented motel room, throwing himself onto the closest mattress. Besides the single bed near the door, their room also had a double bed and a sofa that didn’t really look comfortable. It was the only one that was both big enough for all five of them and small enough for their shared wallet. San didn’t complain about it, he just wanted to sleep in a bed, and there being two was already a good thing.

Not everyone agreed to that though. Yunho demanded that he slept on the double bed because one, he drove and that meant he had privileges into picking his bed and two, that meant he would have at least someone else with him and he _loved_ to cuddle. And, really, no one was going to discuss with him because he did have a point (and looked tired as hell). Mingi wanted the single bed for himself, but if someone else wanted the same he was willing to share, although he would rather not. Wooyoung refused to sleep on the sofa because the last time there were not enough beds and he was the one who lost rock paper scissors and slept on the van and, being a sucker for cuddles as well, he made sure that whoever shared with him would be his little spoon. Yeosang, like him, just wanted to (go back to) sleep and didn’t care about sharing a bed, except that he threatened everyone in the room to not crush him into a hug or cuddle, otherwise they’d meet his wrath. At least they all agreed to not want the sofa.

“Let’s do this: I’ll sleep in the double bed and you four settle out who’s sleeping where”, Yunho said before moving to his bed, sitting on the mattress while waiting to his soon-to-be cuddle victim.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes and raised his fist at the other three. “I refuse the sofa.”

The four of them played a few rounds of rock paper scissors, and for his luck, San was the first winner and thus the first one to pick his bed. He didn’t think twice before moving towards Yunho, letting the taller wrap him around his long limbs, small-spooning him. Maybe he was a sucker of cuddling and _maybe_ he liked being a small spoon. Maybe. “Let’s sleep, San-ah.”

He was about to answer the older until they heard a shout of joy, Wooyoung moving towards their bed. “Move, I want to be in the middle.”

“San won against you, you have no right to complain. You stay wherever he tells you to.”

The green haired man shrugged. “I don’t care. He can be in the middle if he wants to.”

Their youngest smiled at that. “This is why San is my favourite”, he said, placing himself in between the two of them, staring at the ceiling before turning to his direction and hugging him.

He couldn’t see him, with the new body in between them, but San had been with them enough to know that Yunho was pouting at the remark. “ _I_ should be your favourite.”

Wooyoung turned to him, certainly grinning. “Maybe if you were nicer to me.”

“And what do I need to do for that?”

“To be nicer?”, Wooyoung laughed. “As if I’d know. I’m a bad bitch.”

The moment the younger stopped talking was met with silence but, in seconds, San was snorting and laughing loudly at that, soon Yunho’s own laughter echoing his.

“What! I _am_!”

“Maybe in your dreams, Wooyoung-ah.”

“Holy hell, shut the fuck up”, Mingi hissed from his bed. “Yeosang wants to sleep.”

San had expected the older boy to go to sleep on the sofa, considering he had lost against them all, but once he turned around he saw that it was unoccupied, and instead, he saw the pink hair together with the blue. The trio on the double bed caught themselves giggling at the remark from Mingi, whispering about how cute and protective he was at times, but then decided to just do as told.

 

 

 

 

 

“…don’t think we should stay here for too long. Sure it’s really comfortable and all, but I don’t think we can afford too many nights in here”, Yunho’s voice came into San’s ears, releasing him from his daydreaming, dropping the spoon on his bowl of cereal. Apparently, they were discussing their stay during breakfast and, like always, it was a decision the five of them did together, so he should probably shouldn’t space around here. “Unless any of you have some plan on making it more affordable.”

“We could always steal the food”, Yeosang casually pointed out, ignoring the looks of disapproval he later got. “What? It’s not like we haven’t done it before. Besides, I like it here. I bet even the stupid sofa is comfortable.”

“Not that you would know, right”, Wooyoung teased. “Since last night you were busy cuddling with--”

“But either way it _is_ a motel, no matter how comfortable it is”, Mingi cut the younger before he could say his name. “We can’t live in here forever.”

The purple haired boy rolled his eyes at the slightly older man’s reaction. “Yeah, I have to agree with those two, Yeosang-ah.”

He sighed at Wooyoung before turning to the one who stopped eating the cereal. “Your thoughts?”

San gulped down. It’s been a while since he’s joined them but he’d _never_ get used to having all of them looking at him, waiting for his words, willing to listen. It was weird to be the centre of attention. “Isn’t it 3 against 1 already? Let’s just stay here for a couple of nights, as they said.”

“Your opinion is still valid”, the blue haired told him, getting nods from the others. “If you agree with Yeosang maybe we can try staying a few days more.”

“But not forever”, the oldest ended his thought.

San sighed. “I do agree with Yeosang. I mean, we are all tired and who knows when we’ll find somewhere this comfortable again. But I get that we can’t stay forever too. I _get_ it.”

The four of them shared a silent glare, trying to get onto a consensus. “What about we stay for four days or so?”, Yunho said after a while. “And depending on how things go we’ll extend it to a week. But no more than a week.”

“Seems fine”, Wooyoung nodded. “What you think?”

Yeosang nodded. “Yeah, it’s good. Mingi?”

“I’m fine with it. San?”

He gulped down again, quietly nodding. “It’s settled then, I suppose”, he added, turning his attention to his cereal, zoning out a second time. It was odd how the four of them were so different yet fit so well. Those were the rare moments that he thought that maybe he shouldn’t have got inside their van that night, not because it would be bad for him but it would be _for them_. Because they just fit so perfectly, a four piece puzzle that was once complete, until an intruder came in and swayed the puzzle so hard that the pieces didn’t fit as perfectly. They tried to include him but he was not meant to fit. He simply happened to be  _there_ , suddenly included because they were kind yet dumb enough to invite them in. However, he was _still_ endlessly glad to have met them, to ride with them, to be trusted by them and to give them his trust. And that felt awful, this paradox his feelings forced upon himself was painful. He wanted to stay but he felt bad to stay. He had nowhere else to go but he could bet it would be for the best.

He sighed.

“You’re always deep in thought”, Mingi pointed out, sitting beside him.

The slightly older one looked up from his still unfinished cereal. “Is it a bad thing?”

“Not really”, he replied after thinking for a few seconds. “It’s quite endearing, really.”

“Oh”, San caught himself saying, nodding and staring at his cereal and deciding to continue his breakfast. He was blushing, most certainly, despite being such a simple commentary.

He could feel that the blue haired man was still looking at his direction though. “I would like if you told us more about what you think though. We do understand if you don’t want to talk about the past, most of us don’t, but you should speak your mind from time to time. We all wanna hear more of you”, Mingi tilted his head in a way to see the other’s face more clearly, making him look up impulsively, locking eyes with him. “I told you, your opinion is valid to all four of us, okay? Don’t _ever_ forget it. You _are_ one of us.”

San gulped down. It was as if the younger had got into his mind and knew exactly what his worries were and he felt… somewhat relieved. He was glad to hear all of it, although it was still a bit unnerving with the timing.

Before he could say anything though, Mingi smiled at him. “How long have we been in this together? Half a year maybe?”

“Something like that, I think, yeah”, he nodded.

He stayed quiet for a few seconds before speaking again. “Six months. We have all got used with you in here, you now are an important part of this. Never doubt it”, he finished, getting up but not before caressing the green hair.

“Mingi-yah”, San suddenly said before he could leave their motel room, biting the inside of his cheek before speaking. “How did you know I was thinking about this?”

He smiled at him. “We all got used with each other’s company well enough to know some things. Some better than the others”, he pointed out, and the older was sure he was implying to be the best out of the five. He wouldn’t be wrong, despite San being very quiet and observant Mingi knew the others for longer and, also, he had a sensitivity to that kind of stuff. Probably due to his soft nature, to always want the others well. He somehow always knew if one of them were down. “But for the record, when you stop doing anything and stare at nowhere, you’re overthinking. Now you should finish your cereal, I’ll go see if Yunho wants help with the van.”

San blinked at that, eyeing as the younger left the room. Mingi had a point. It’s been a while now, half a year, and although it sometimes felt too short it was a long time for them. After those months they all agreed that he _did_ belong, even without voicing it all the time. _This_ was his home now, his life, it was being with them. Sure he had his insecurities, and hadn’t fully opened up to them, but they never forced him to say anything, always respected his space and thoughts, and were willing to know more of him. Maybe he wasn’t an extra piece, just one that had been long lost and finally found its companions now. Maybe they weren’t complete before him, but they were waiting, looking for this tiny piece that seemed so irrelevant but was still necessary.

For once in his life he felt that he was necessary. Mingi had called him important, and that was a feeling shared by all of them, and suddenly his insecurities flew away. He was important to someone. _Choi San was important._

“He is so sweet, I’ll get diabetes”, San heard Wooyoung speak from the single bed, laying down in a bored manner with his belly down. He was so distracted by his thoughts and then Mingi that he forgot that they weren’t the only ones in the room. “Seriously, I’ve known him for so long and it always surprises me to how sweet he can be.”

“Maybe you’re just extremely bitter”, Yeosang spoke, a random magazine he found around the room in hands, although he didn’t seem to be _really_ reading it.

“Take that back. I am _not_ bitter. San, tell him I’m not bitter!”

The green haired man took a look at the two of them until staring at the one by the sofa, eyes no longer on the magazine but at his direction, waiting for his reply. He rolled his eyes. “Wooyoung, comparing to Mingi you _are_ quite bitter.”

He ignored how the way that Yeosang smiled quietly, hiding behind the paper, but it was good considering that the oldest couldn’t see how he made San’s heart flutter and his stomach flip and instead gave his attention to a very offended Wooyoung.

“San-ah! I called you my favourite yesterday!”

“Am I only your favourite when I’m pleasing you?”, he pouted, jokingly hurt. “I see how it is, Jung Wooyoung.”

“That is not what I mean!”, he said, getting loud laughter from both San and Yeosang, enjoying the mild panic of their youngest once he realized what his words implied. He sat down on the bed, crossing his arms and pouting. “You two are meanies. This is not fair.”

The green haired boy rolled his eyes. “Oh noooo, we hurt you”, he said in a joking tone, pouting too. “Are you mad at us?”

Wooyoung looked away. “Of course I’m mad at the two of you.”

“Oh _noooo_ ”, he repeated. “What a shame.”

“Yah, at least try to sound like you’re sorry!”, he pouted even more, getting laughter from the other two.

Yeosang threw the magazine somewhere and got up from the sofa, stretching his arms. “I’m in a mood on taking a walk. Any of you wanna join me?”

“You’ll be walking somewhere you don’t know?”

“Yeah, to get to know the surrounding, _duh_. You coming, San?”

He frowned. “Nah, I’ll probably be sleeping the entire day.”

“Suit yourself then. Wooyoung?”

The youngest stared at the pink haired boy who was smiling at him. He sighed. “ _Fine_ , you’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Yeosang laughed. “What do you even mean by that?”

“I can’t be mad at pretty men. It’s my weakness.”

“So you’re not mad me anymore too, right?”, San asked.

Wooyoung stared at the slightly older man until turning to the oldest again. “So, let’s get going, Yeosangie?”

He forced out a gasp, one very exaggerated and playful. “I’m disappointed in you, Wooyoung-ah.”

The youngest showed him his tongue before leaving, Yeosang right behind him. San rolled his eyes but opted to stop ignoring his bowl of cereal, still half eaten.

 

 

 

 

 

As he waited for the two to come back, San found himself looking back at his drawing notebook. It wasn’t exactly old but it wasn’t new anymore, considering how worn out its covers looked and how many pages were already filled with his lines. He was only going to settle his bag when the book grabbed his attention from under all his clothing. It felt weird to look at it after so long but somehow he was _curious_.

Holding the small yet thick book, he opened to the first page, a drawing of a random café he used to visit regularly. The corner of the page also had some extra shades of brown, from the drink he accidentally split. He didn’t remember the exact day he had done it, but he did know it was before he had run away, either in between classes or during the early morning, where he was taking his time to go to classes, not really wanting to attend it. In all honesty he hated his classes, majoring in something his parents had picked and not himself, forcing him to move to Seoul with them and be obedient. Be a good student. Become a lawyer. Marry a good girl and have kids with her. All of that crap.

But instead, he found himself enjoying these breaks much more, drawing like he always wanted and forgetting about his worries. He liked those moments from before, those were moments he sometimes missed, but literally just those. Nothing else.

He turned to a few pages, exploring his past artworks, the book filled with scenarios and people and even street animals. And then suddenly these drawings stopped, still halfway through the entire thing. He had stopped drawing for a while, but still, once he left, San took it with him. For no reason. He simply packed his stuff and it looked at him and he decided he should take it without thinking much about it.

It had been half a year and he hadn't touched it, but still, he didn't throw it away. Somehow he couldn't. He knew he couldn't.

He sighed. San was bored. And he hated being bored the most. With Yeosang and Wooyoung out, he was with the other two on their rented room, except that Yunho went back to sleep and Mingi was focused on this magazine that was previously randomly lying down on their room's floor, the same one that was with the pink haired man before.

He sighed a second time. “Mingi-yah.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you maybe have a pencil or pen around somewhere?”

The younger stared at his direction but quickly turned his attention back to the magazine. “Yeah, in the front pocket of my bag.”

San kept staring at him, hoping the blue haired would get a hint and give it himself. But he kept reading whatever was on the magazine, completely ignoring him. He decided to get up then, going towards where his bag was resting beside the single bed and opened the front pocket, giving it a look. Indeed, there was a pencil there, alongside a lighter, his ID and some keys. He found the keychain really adorable but decided to leave it be, taking some things from the pocket, searching for something else. “Do you not have a rubber? Or a sharpener?”

“Nope”, he quickly answered without looking up, but after a while Mingi lowered the magazine, frowning. “What are you even planning on doing?”

“Nothing much?”, the green haired replied with a shrug, putting everything back to its place and closing the pocket so he could return to his spot by the table. He could see that the younger didn’t buy it but he didn’t pressure it, going back to his reading.

The older one turned his attention back to the notebook, an empty page staring back at him. He then gave a glare to the room, to where Yunho slept peacefully on the double bed, to where Mingi kept reading. And then, taking the pencil in his hands, San started doodling what he saw.

It felt stiffy at first, as if he forgot how to do it, yet he didn’t let it stop him. He didn’t have anything that allowed him to erase it but he tried to use it as an advantage, not minding the mistakes. They weren’t mistakes. They could be transformed into something else. Or he could draw over and over again to hide it. It was fine, he wasn’t going to stress himself over this.

Much the opposite, San found himself relaxing after a few pages. At some point Mingi got up and sat beside him, quietly watching in curiosity as he rested his chin on the older’s shoulders, more entertained with his art than with the magazine. The artist felt a bit shy at first, not used with people watching his art and not really being comfortable showing it in the first place, but also, it was Mingi. It was fine. Probably. He felt like he should stop him from looking, but also, he didn’t want to. So he didn’t.

“What are you two doing there?”, Yunho said from his bed after a while, finally waking up.

The youngest turned to him, silently telling him to say it. San cleared his throat before speaking. “I’m, uh, drawing.”

The brunet let that information sink in - probably for being too sleepy to get it at first - and did a surprised yet happy face. “I didn’t know you drew, San-ah”, he said, slowly getting up.

“Yeah, I”, he started nervously. “I wanted to be an art major back then. You know. But my parents never agreed so I, yeah. Didn’t”, he trailed off, feeling like he had said too much. He hated this, how much he restrained himself. But also he wanted to tell him, tell them all. Just not all at once, maybe.

The oldest nodded at him. “Can I… see?”, he carefully asked.

San nodded after a few seconds, closing the book and showing him the cover. “Sure. They are old though, from before I left, so. They’re all shit.”

Yunho pouted at him. “It can’t be if it’s done by you”, he just pointed out, sitting by San’s other side and slowly paging through it, turned at the owner so Mingi could have a good view too, which meant the green haired was nearly sandwiched by the other two as they looked at his drawings. It was awkward, at least to his end.

“Where is this?”, Mingi asked pointing to a drawing of some bookshelves.

He gulped down, suddenly being hit by the memories. “Ah, it’s from… home. My last one. Father had many books of all types, for some reason. I guess he wanted to pretend he was cultured”, he shrugged. “Some were interesting though so I stayed there a lot and read many of these. It was where I liked staying at the most, after my room.”

Yunho smiled at the last remark and kept looking through the drawings. It was until San noticed that the next page was the start of the new set of sketches, taking the book to stop them from looking. “What, why are you--”

“That’s enough”, he said with a blush, closing the notebook.

“Aww, why?”

Mingi smirked at the green haired. “Did you draw something we couldn’t see?”

“ _No_ ”, he was quick to say with a pout. “Why are you being like this, you saw some of it.”

“Just the last two or so”, he shrugged.“I don’t get it, you drew the room, the table, Yunh--”

“ _Exactly_ , Mingi”, he said embarrassed, glad that the younger stopped speaking after finally understanding what he meant.

The older sighed. “Fine, don’t show today then. I’ll wait for when you get comfortable with the idea.”

San stared at him. “Bold of you to assume I’ll let you see another day.”

He smiled at himself. “You might, who knows”, he laughed. “Either way, these weren’t shit. You’re good at this.”

“I gotta agree with him”, the blue haired man spoke again. “And you did the newer ones really fast yet full of detail. You’re talented.”

He found himself frowning. “I could’ve done better though.”

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself”, Yunho told him. “You’re young and all of that. You’re learning and practising and all that shit and you’re already really good. I don’t know how art works but if you keep going you will get better and better.”

San sighed but found himself giving them a shy smile. “Well, thanks, I guess. No one ever said that kind of stuff to me before.”

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned away to face Mingi. “You have us now”, he suddenly assured, voice low.

And he knew that he meant it and much more, so he nodded at the younger.

 

 

 

 

 

San wasn’t really much of a party person. It was probably hard to believe once you meet him - the _real_ him, the Choi San who doesn’t conceal his eccentric personality - but he likes staying at home the most, be it to read a book, play something on the TV or just laze around. Maybe for that reason no one had imagined he’d one day pack up most of his stuff and leave his past behind on the way he did. Most would think he would instead abandon all that _he_ was to become a lie so that he’d be accepted somehow, too scared to face the world with his real self. Sometimes he himself couldn’t even believe he had actually gathered the courage to do it either. He was an introvert, a coward one at that, who would hide from the outside world on his bed whenever possible, only leaving it when he didn’t have a choice, forcefully getting out and putting up a quiet and forced smile on his face, living and hoping to not get anyone’s attention. Simply putting on a decent guy facade and daydreaming about his bed.

But he hated being bored. It always led to him being moody, extremely frustrated, craving for some enjoyment. Back at his home, he had many books yet to be explored, Netflix that his grandparents granted him, a good computer with his favourite games. But on the streets those weren’t options, so he found himself enjoying going out on clubs with the other boys, getting either high or drunk, dancing without worries. It kind of became a coping mechanism of his, one that maybe he shouldn’t be proud of, but it wasn’t like he liked the other options he had, so he would take it. Besides, it wasn’t like he was extremely vulnerable, he had people looking out for him, who cared enough to stop him from crossing the limits.

(He has some memories of this one time, probably his first experience with late night parties, where he puked his guts out of his body and suddenly had four babysitters the entire day after that. Really, he knew he was in good hands.)

When Wooyoung and Yeosang returned to their room, with some (probably stolen, but he didn’t ask) convenience store food they decided to be their late-lunch-slash-early-dinner, and told the others they had spotted a club not too far from their motel, San shared a knowing look to their oldest man, clearly interested where this was going. Mingi, not much the party lover, just shrugged it off. It was always a lost fight for him, being the only one who didn’t really enjoyed clubbing, yet he’d always go with the other four. At least he had the priority to decide when they’d call it a night and drag them back whenever he thought it was enough, so he didn’t really complain. And so it was settled: they would _rest_ that night, Jeong Yunho style.

And of course that was how San found himself a couple of hours later: shitfaced, on the dance floor, thinking of nothing special as he danced. He was smiling for literally no reason, or maybe it was because he was feeling himself, or the high from the alcohol he had earlier, or both. Although he wasn’t sure of the reason, the corner of his lips simply wanted to go up and he didn’t have the strength fight it, so he just kept smiling, moving his lungs to the rhythm of the loud music, eyes half open. He knew that Wooyoung and Yunho were somewhere close to him, after he dragged both their oldest and youngest to dance with him, and he was so thankful to be close to people he knew and cherished. San was still pretty much awkward with crowds, even if he found himself having some fun in the middle of it. So having people he liked eased the stress and he felt free. He liked it.

However, it could be bothersome too. Sometimes he hated being around so many attractive men, and by attractive men he meant the four of them: Yunho, Yeosang, Mingi and Wooyoung. Attractive men who always got people’s attention and it was always something weird for San to witness. He could see that there was someone trying to make a move on the blue haired male, calmly on a seat far from the dancefloor and having his water. He didn’t know how to react - he _never_ did, always a shy kid around strangers - but at least Yeosang was with him this time. The pink haired boy didn’t let them have their hopes high, clinging to the younger and kissing the nape of his neck, making the other embarrassed yet certainly _not_ displeased. It was a weird scene to see, but not weirder when it was a stranger. Somehow it was okay because it was one of them. It was weird but it wasn’t that he hated it, much the opposite, it was the type of weird that was enjoyable and, looking at them, he kind of wanted to be… he didn’t know who he wanted to be, actually.

San knew damn well that there was a thing going on with the four of them. He’s been around enough to know them in depths, even without words being told him, and of course he knew _this_. They just, for whatever reason, kept their affections pretty low when he was around. So seeing Yeosang kissing Mingi’s neck, cheek, until finally claiming his mouth was… something.

He didn’t know who he wanted to be because he didn’t mind, he could kiss them both if so they let him and somehow he was fine with that.

He was just staring with a poker face until he noticed how much he liked what he saw and found himself smiling even more at the scene, still not sure of what he felt about it but not hating it. But then he decided to brush it off, paying attention to the duo that was with him until he realized they had moved somewhere. The purple hair was nowhere to be seen, but San quickly saw the fluffy brown hair a bit further from the floor, a girl talking to him a little too bubbly and something told him that he should glue himself onto Yunho, pull him to himself exactly like Yeosang had done to Mingi and, so, that was exactly what he did. He took the older’s hands and pulled his body closer to his, faces pretty close, back to the dance floor. He didn’t even give a glare to the lady, he hoped she was smart enough to know the time to get lost.

The brunet smiled at him, his white teeth on his fuzzy line of sight. “You okay?”, he shouted, slightly concerned.

“I’m yours”, he randomly admitted. That _wasn’t_ a common Choi San behaviour, and maybe that would confuse the hell out of the older, but he was too drunk and happy to think straight. He just needed them to know that, _them all_ , and Yunho happened to be the closest one. Also, _maybe_ he wanted to be possessive in front of the girl that had bothered the other. Maybe.

He stared at San as he kept a puzzled face, to his amusement, not really getting what the green haired man meant. “What? San-ah, how much did you have?”

“I’m fine, I didn’t have that much yet. It’s just, Yunho-yah”, he pouted, “I’m yours, okay? You can share me with the others but that doesn’t make me any less yours, okay?”

“O… kay? I think we should put you to sleep.”

“No! I don’t wanna sleep”, San said, clinging to the elder’s shoulder. He giggled to himself. “Hehe, I could kiss you like that.”

Yunho gulped down, suddenly nervous. He said something but the sudden loud music didn’t let the younger hear it. He frowned, tilting his head in confusion, expecting for him to say it again. But he didn’t, he instead rolled his eyes and leaned down to San’s face, moving a bit too slow for his likes, maybe as an experiment, not sure if it was okay. The green haired, though, was impatient and so he moved forwards, meeting Yunho’s lips midway.

Sure he had kissed before, when he was a kid and was experimenting with a friend. But it’s been ages ago and he didn’t feel anything like _this_. He didn’t remember feeling this light, as if the simple touch of the older was enough to cancel gravity. It felt a little weird but it was a welcoming weird feeling, one of curiosity and discovery, thrilled to have more of it. And of course he didn’t want it to end, clinging to Yunho’s arms, not wanting to let go of him, much the opposite, he wanted to taste more of him.

San couldn’t help but smile on the kiss as he felt Yunho’s hands on him, obviously liking this as much as he did, leaning closer and deepening the kiss, craving for more. It made him feel wanted and it was a good thing to know. That he was wanted. It didn’t matter _how_ , just being wanted was satisfying enough for him.

 _For them_ , his mind remembered him. They were a package, always were, and San wouldn’t want to have it otherwise. It’s been a couple of months, and he was just a lost boy who happened to be found. Next to the bond they had, he was nothing more than a _plus_ , not destructive enough to break them apart, and he wouldn’t have it another way anyway. 

San felt a hand rest on top of his, suddenly remembering of the girl, and it annoyed the _shit_ out of him. Things were going too fine and a complete stranger decided to ruin the mood? But his anger completely vanished when he turned to stare at her and was met with blue contacts and purple locks instead, the owner of such face smirking at the other two. “Yeosang wants to go home”, he simply said in a loud volume, but with the grin that was glued on his face spoke more than his words. Wooyoung was _amused_. He was ready to tease the two of them, but also, he was happy for the scene. It made the green haired one over analyze, and he caught himself smirking too.

“But Wooyoung-ah, I’m having so much fun! Can’t he wait?”

“Oh I can _see_ that”, he laughed. “Kinda sad you came to him first, but I guess it is what it is. And no, he can’t wait. That kid had a bit too much.”

“Someone is jealous”, Yunho mused after a while. He dragged the younger out if the dance floor, too drunk to even realize what was happening, simply letting him take him. He wasn’t going to resist it anyway. “ _Kinda sad you came to him first_ ”, he repeated in a pitch higher than his normal voice, mocking the other.

Wooyoung walked by his side, pouting. “Of course I am jealous! I was Yeosang’s first, and would have been Mingi’s if you weren’t faster. Now you’re above me.”

“ _Above you_?”, San snorted. “Gross. You made me imagine.”

“What are you even talking about?”, the youngest asked but then frowned, Yunho’s laugh echoing beside him. “Oh my God, Choi San, _shut the fuck up_.”

“I agree”, Yeosang said from where he was waiting with Mingi, glued on his torso like his life depending on it. Oh yeah, he _really_ had a bit too much. “Don’t know what it was about but shut the fuck up, we’re leaving. The world is _spinning_.”

Mingi gave him his eye smile before turning to the other trio, his expression less soft this time. “Since I’m the one driving I’m _not_ cleaning up his mess if he pukes.”

 

 

 

 

 

For some reason, San caught himself remembering of the first time he got high, his and the others’ hair still untouched by then. It had been a couple of weeks since he decided to get into their van, not over a month, and they decided to stop in the middle of the street and sit down while smoking and bond. Apparently, it was a thing they had done before and did from time to time, not too often but still quite frequent. He remembers how Yunho told him it was okay for him to deny it, that he didn’t even need to participate in the conversation if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, yet San still said yes to them. He still sat beside Mingi and Wooyoung and decided to give it a go.

It was weird, but he felt light and he didn’t really hate it. Yeah, it _was_ _definitely_ weird, and he could hear his past self being disappointed at himself for smoking weed with a bunch of men he barely met, in the middle of a desert street at super early o’clock, but he still kept going and took it.

“At times like this I wonder how it would be if I was still back home”, Mingi had suddenly said, breaking the silence that was brought into their circle. San hummed at that, taking the younger’s arms and resting his head on his shoulder. “Maybe if I came back things would different, you know? People tend to only give value to things when they lose it.”

San was curious. He wanted to ask for more, wanted to know them more, but he always felt like he was butting in too much, so he just stayed quiet. He was like a new crew member of a pirate ship and even if there wasn’t a hierarchy he felt like he was the one at the bottom, the four of them higher and thus unquestionable. So he didn’t ask.

“I wouldn’t know”, Yeosang shrugged after a while, breathing the smoke in and out. “It would be the same for me.”

Mingi bit the inside of his cheek. “Maybe. We will never know. I like believing that everyone can change, even if it takes more for some.”

The older shrugged a second time. “It’s hard for me to believe on that, sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s fine”, it was Yunho who said it, but they all knew Mingi agreed. “We are all different people with different views of the world.”

Wooyoung scoffed. “You had too much pot, I see.”

The older stared at him, sitting beside him, face very close. “Yeah, and? What you gonna do about that?”

The other gulped down but refused to retreat without provoking back, giving him a smirk. “Nothing for now, lover boy.”

San stared at the two of them. He would always stare at them, and not only Wooyoung and Yunho, but Yunho and Mingi and Mingi and Yeosang and Yeosang and Wooyoung. He would always silently watch, quietly making notes here and there about the four of them. It was something he usually did since he was young, so there was no reason for him to stop now, he concluded. San was curious about their dynamic more than anything, so he’d always pay attention.

And he noticed they did the same from time to time. It was an odd feeling that he could never get used to yet it was understandable, they seemed to be comfortable around each other but now there was him, a newcomer, totally undiscovered. He was probably something curious, mysterious to the others and they seemed to be eager to decipher him.

“Let’s play a game”, Wooyoung suddenly said, clapping his hand together to grab their attention, just in case his already loud voice wasn’t doing the job. “One makes a question and at the count of three we have to say it out loud!”

“That’s random”, Mingi said with a raised brow, “ _but_ interesting. Don’t you think, San-ah?”

“Huh?”, he blinked a few times, staring at the owner of the arm he was still holding tightly. “Ah, I mean, sure. Seems fun.”

“And it’s also a way for us to know each other faster”, Yeosang reasoned. “Who starts?”

“Me! I have a question”, the youngest said vividly, arm raised like it was middle school. “Is there someone you want to see from before? That you miss or wonder how they are since you’ve been gone? One, two, three.”

They heard three noes. Mingi, Yeosang, and Wooyoung himself said it without restraint. San’s quiet _maybe_ came a bit late, still not sure about the answer himself.

But what caught their attention was Yunho’s _yes_.

“Really?”, Mingi asked curiously. “I thought you would be the last one to be missing someone.”

“Honestly, me too”, he awkwardly replied, “but there is someone I’m curious about. Someone I wonder how’s dealing with stuff.”

“You think your ex is waiting for you?”, Wooyoung suddenly asked by his side, getting San’s attention. He didn’t know that Yunho had left a partner before, so the news made him turn to the older, waiting for his reply.

He, in turn, looked at his palms. “I do, but I hope he isn’t”, he started and _oh_ , it’s an ex- _boy_ friend. Somehow it was relieving to see he wasn’t the only one not straight in the group. And him being open about it probably meant the others are _at least_ supportive of him. That made him ease up some of his worries. “He was a bit too dependent on me, so I wonder if he moved out or if he’s beating himself up. I hope he’s happy without me”, he finished, smiling sadly at himself.

“Why did you leave?”, San found himself asking but only realized what he did when the oldest turned to him, face serious. “Oh, shit, that’s too much isn’t it, I’m--”

“It’s okay”, Yunho cut him. “The others all know anyway. I was just a bit taken aback to have your interest”, he laughed as he stared closely to the other, making him blush. “I had a high school boyfriend, a year older than me, and we lasted until my freshman year in university. But he lived _for_ me, basically. He didn’t do things he didn’t think I’d like, restrained himself to have fun and was super serious about our future, like planning our house and marriage, and I couldn’t take it. We broke up and he didn’t know how to be just friends. Once I told him I would move to nowhere he didn’t like it and wanted me to take him. Obviously, I didn’t”, he sighed. “I left without saying bye to him.”

“…Why?”, he whispered.

The older looked at the sky. “It was easier, I guess?”

San nodded quietly. “Yeah, I kinda can relate to that.”

“Well, my turn”, Mingi suddenly said after a while, trying to ease up the awkward tension that came from the silence. Upon protest, he frowned. “If the youngest went first then, as the second youngest, I’m allowed. Anyway, question! If someone called you, who’d be the last person you’d want it to be?”

“We didn’t bring any phones”, Yeosang sadly reminded them.

“It’s hypothetical. So, one, two, three.”

“My ex”, Yunho said sighing yet serious.

“Church boy”, Mingi frowned sadly.

“I’m not sure”, Wooyoung said tilting his head cutely.

“My parents”, San said in a quiet tone, hoping no one would hear it. However, he wasn’t expecting someone to say the same thing. “Yeosang…?”

The boy turned at him with a curious face. “ _Huh_.”

“I was not expecting you two to have something in common.”

“Mingi-yah, they’re both quiet. They’re _quite_ similar.”

He laughed at the youngest remark. Maybe it was the weed, but it was hilarious to hear someone call him quiet. Sure it wasn’t the first time, but it was just because he was still a bit uncomfortable with them, still not close to them. He wasn’t _quiet_.

And then the feeling came back. He wanted to ask, just like he did to Yunho, but he felt like he had spoken too much. Asked too much. It hadn’t been long since he joined them and he had already questioned their oldest about his past. It was like he had broken one of these unspoken rules, rules that he had created himself but somehow everyone was following. Respect others boundaries, not to demand too much. Except that San did not know where the line ended and always wanted to open his mouth and _know_. And he knew the others wanted to let him in, trust with their demons, and in exchange they want to be there for him too.

But he had asked too much for one night, and he didn’t want to press any wrong button, a feeling he could tell the others also had. So he opted to simply stare at Yeosang, nodding at him and sending him a sympathetic smile. The older was awkward at first, yet he smiled back at him not long after. Everything was fine.

Yunho cleared his throat. “Well, San? You’re the middle one so it’s your turn.”

He sighed, hating how their attention was on him a third time. “Do you regret running away?”, he found himself asking out loud after a relatively short silence period, but for him, it was much longer. He asked the first thing that came to mind, not really sure what else to ask. “One, two, three.”

“No”, the five of them said in unison. For some reason, San caught himself smiling at that.

 

 

 

 

 

“My head hurts like a bitch” was the first thing San heard as he woke up the next morning and, in all honesty, he related to that wholeheartedly. He maybe had too much the previous night. Maybe. But Yeosang _clearly_ had more than himself, more than he usually did, more than his limits allowed. “Wooyoung-ah, what the fuck you gave me last night?”

“Honestly? No fucking idea”, he laughed, which made San laugh, and so did Yeosang. And then the three proceeded to complain about how their heads were hurting due to their fucking laugher. They heard a fourth laugher, quieter than theirs and obviously entertained by their suffering, but no one gave it attention.

“I’m _never_ drinking again for the rest of my mediocre life”, the pink haired one said after a while, making San grin amused. He never cussed or behaved this angry, unless he was like this: dealing with an awful hangover. “And I fucking mean it this time. _God_ , do I hate this. My throat is so goddamn dry and I don’t remember anything. Also, did I puke?”

“ _Did you puke_?”, Yunho’s voice came from somewhere in their room, definitely not the double bed that San and someone else was on. He didn’t want to open his eyes to find him, because _it hurt_. “More like you spit all your internal organs out. You did a _mess_.”

“And I had to clean that shit while drunk.”

“It’s what you deserve, Wooyoung-ah, you’re the one who gave him too much of God knows what”, the oldest pointed out.

The other tsked. “I shouldn’t have admitted it to you all, traitors.”

“Traitors? I helped you clean that shit and I was tipsy too”, San finally spoke after a scoff. “Count me out of that list, asshole.”

Wooyoung laughed softly at that. “Yeah, you really are the only one I can trust in here. The only bitch who deserves rights.”

“You’re all so annoying on the day after, holy fuck”, the oldest remarked, with no harm on his tone. In fact, he was mocking their pain.

“Shut up”, Yeosang groaned.

“How the hell aren’t you hungover anyway, Yunho-yah?”, came in Wooyoung’s annoyed voice. “I didn’t even have _that_ much and here I am dying.”

“Ah, that reminds me”, Yunho thought out loud, ignoring their youngest, and soon they could hear someone walk around the place, further from the beds and doing something on the little sink the room had and then moved back to where the others were. “Yeosang-ah, have this, for your hangover”, he heard his voice near.

“ _What’s that_ ”, he deadpanned, voice hoarse.

“Medicine and water.”

The room went silent for a while until moments later San heard gulping sounds. “Thanks”, the second oldest said in a low voice.

A firm hand was now poking the green haired man and he groaned. He didn’t want to move or open his eyes. He just wanted to stay there, frozen.

“San-ah, come on. It’s for your best.”

“Ugh, fine then, _mom_ ”, he said, opening his eyes and feeling the pain in his head harden. At least the room was darker than it should at this time. Or, well. “What time is it?”

“Like… three in the afternoon? Four?”, Yunho told him, making a funny thoughtful face before handing him the medicine. San took it without restraint, drinking the little water that was left on the cup. The older got up and filled it a second time before moving to Wooyoung, who was on the single bed by himself.

San looked around the room and was about to ask where their fifth member was until the door opened. “I’m home. Are the kids awake?”

“I’m older than you”, Yeosang groaned, lying belly down beside the green haired one, face shoved on a pillow.

“I’ll take it as a yes”, he laughed. “I brought pizza and chicken for lunch.”

That got San’s interest. “And coca-cola?”

“You can bet.”

He grinned. “Sweet”, he whispered, getting up from the bed, but his head was still super heavy and he ended up stumbling before he could _actually_ stand.

The brunet, who was near him after delivering the medicine to all of them, managed to grab him before he felt. “Be careful.”

San was ready to answer him, to thank him, but the sudden proximity of the taller made him _remember_. Oh, yeah, they kissed. They kissed and San _liked_ it. A lot, actually. He wanted it to happen once more, and many more, and he wanted to compare Yunho’s kiss to Mingi’s kiss, and Wooyoung’s, and Yeosang’s.

But he was drunk and acting strange and Yunho had drunk too and that made him feel bad somehow. Bad that the kiss happened at such a vulnerable moment, how he wasn’t thinking straight and how, for sure, he had embarrassed himself and maybe the older too. So instead of replying to him he just quietly nodded, looked away in shame, and went to the table, hoping the older wouldn’t notice his awkwardness.

“Are those two not going to eat?”, Mingi asked him as he sat down.

San smirked teasingly. “I hope not because I’m starving. I’m having their portions.”

“Hey!”, Wooyoung complained from somewhere behind the green haired, playfully slapping his shoulder as he sat by his side. “I _never_ refuse food.”

Yunho laughed. “I thought you were dying.”

“Dying for some food, of course.”

San smiled at that. “Whatever you say, Wooyoung-ah”, he rolled his eyes playfully but decided to stop his teasing like that, giving attention to the food in front of him instead.

The rest of the day went quite uneventfully, but for him, that wasn’t a bad thing. He was better than he woke up but he wasn't in the mood to go out. Last night had fulfilled his crave for partying and now he just wanted to laze around. He wanted a real rest, not the one Yunho loved so much.

With Yeosang dealing with the aftermath of the previous day, and with both San and Wooyoung deciding that it was better for them to take it easy, that was what he did most of the day. He simply rested, did some new drawings here and there until his wrist hurt, and that was it. It was pretty boring.

“Hey”, the youngest suddenly said, sitting down by his right. “Sorry for the random question but my curiosity is killing me. How are your memories of yesterday?”

San turned at him and gulped down. “Pretty vivid”, he admitted honestly in a low tone. He didn't need to be so careful, Yunho was currently on the shower, Yeosang was taking his fifth nap of the day and Mingi was at the table close to the door, solving a puzzle game he had bought together with their lunch. It was just the two of them.

Wooyoung hummed. “So you remember what happened, right?”

The older analyzed the expression that the purple haired one was giving him and he could feel that he was serious. He was being careful with his words, as if he was afraid to offend him or press a wrong button, but still curious about it, looking through him. “Yeah, I do.”

“And?”

“…And what?”

“What do you think about it?”, he asked without breaking eye contact.

San breathed in and out for a while, looking at his lap instead of his companion. “Well. It was weird. Sudden too. I was drunk and didn’t want to think. I just… did.”

“Were you the one who kissed Yunho?”

“Not really”, he said while remembering that moment, “but I did tell him I could kiss him. And I think he asked permission to kiss me but I didn’t hear, so. There is that.”

“You could kiss him but did you want to? Like, _really_ wanted to do it?”, Wooyoung said in a low tone, nearly like a whisper.

The green haired man turned to his side again, facing the other and oh, he had moved and was much closer now. He gulped down, hoping he didn’t blush, but knowing it was to no avail. “Yeah. I guess I did. It’s a shame it happened while I was drunk to everything is a bit blurry but even still”, he coughed before he finished his thought, suddenly feeling embarrassed to say it out loud, “I liked kissing him.”

He smirked. “He is a pretty good kisser, isn’t he?”, he said suddenly, still in a low tone, “but honestly I think Yeosang is the best out of these three. But there is still you, so I’m not entirely sure about that.”

“What about you?”, San suddenly asked, trying to hide his grin.

“Oh, I am _the_ best. I was counting me out of the list since I never kissed myself but if I’m in the list, I’m certainly number one.”

The older scoffed at that. “How can you be so sure?”

“It’s what Mingi told me. And Yeosang. Yunho and I have this competition thing so he’d rather die before admitting I kiss well, but I’m sure he agrees”, he proudly grinned.

He nodded at that, suddenly remembering more of the previous night, smirking at the other. “You did say you were jealous of Yunho for kissing me first”, he said, courage coming from somewhere, getting closer to the younger. “Wanna be the second?”

He blinked. “Yah, when you put it like that it kinda makes me feel bad.”

San rolled his eyes. “Do you wanna kiss me?”

Wooyoung stared at him with an expressionless face and didn’t answer him, or well, not with words. After a few seconds he smiled at the older and nodded excitedly, making San laugh from how much he resembled a puppy. His face was already relatively close to his so he didn’t have to move much to meet his lips, tilting his head so their noses wouldn’t collide.

Kissing Wooyoung was _nothing_ like kissing Yunho. Sure when he kissed the older they were both under influence of alcohol and he didn’t recall it perfectly, but still, it was obviously different. Yunho was careful, all about patience, he was sweet at first and would slowly spice up things. But their youngest? He wasn't a patient person, at all, and maybe he should have expected what would come. The moment San's lips touched his he took the dominance to himself, pulling him by the waist. He actually felt a bit taken aback but he didn't mind much, enchanted by his taste, his touch. He found himself clinging to Wooyoung as well, one hand on his cheek and the other on his purple hair, making it an absolute mess. Now that he was sitting on his lap - courtesy of the younger, of course - he had to incline his head down so he could keep on with the kiss, his only source of balance being him, but he didn’t think about it because he could only think about him.

It was nothing like any kiss he had _ever_ had and, so, Choi San was _on fire_. Because of a single Jung Wooyoung.

“Oh _woah_ , what is going on here?”, they heard Mingi speak his seat across the room, voice surprised but with some hints of and amused teasing. “Damn, how I’d pay to have a camera right now.”

“We were having a moment here, Mingi-yah”, Wooyoung complained at the blue haired one, hands still resting on San’s hips.

He smiled at the two. “Well, I'm guessing you gave him the talk then? Could’ve warned the rest though.”

“Kinda but not really”, the younger admitted.

“The talk?”, the oldest of the trio scoffed out loud. “What kind of bullshit is this, am I five or something?”

“Wait”, the one by the table spoke again. “If you didn’t give him the talk yet then why you’re kissing him already? And shouldn’t we talk about it within us before involving him _like this_?”

“We talk about it within us all the goddamn time, it was taking too long!”, he said frustratedly. “Besides, I wasn’t even the one who got to kiss him first so don’t come lecturing me!”

Mingi rose a brow at that, curious about what the younger had just said. “If you didn't, then…”

The room went quiet after that, with the tallest of them slowly realizing what had happened while the other two simply stared at him quietly. It was then that the door to the restroom opened, revealing a clean and unknowing Yunho, who seemed pretty cheerful until three men stared at him. He gulped down. “What, did something happen?”

San sighed. “Maybe we gotta talk? About. _The_ Talk. Whatever that is, I got no clue.”

 

 

 

 

 

The past six or so months had been a ride to San, and not only because he was _literally_ on the road. It was so different from all that he had lived yet it still felt like it was better. He liked the feeling of the unknown, of discovering something he had never imagined before, and how it became part of him, part of his usual daily life. He liked this much more than before.

But he was still hiding. Choi San didn’t show all of his quirks as a person, restraining himself from time to time. He wasn’t entirely open to his companions despite wanting to because he was _afraid_ and always felt like it’d be better to just not do it.

Deep down he knew that it was all going to be temporary in the end, he’d probably part ways one day and maybe it’d be for the best if he didn’t get too attached, because it'd be better for when he had to go.

But he never left, he never wanted to leave, and the others couldn’t imagine being without him either. They had shared so much with him within less than a year, let him in and know their flaws, fears, but also likes and talents. Unlike him, they were never afraid to show him their darkest demons, their true colours.

Yet there was this thing that was always unspoken when it came to him. It wasn’t a secret for San but it was solely because he wasn’t blind and it wasn’t like they hid it completely from him. They just… didn’t mention to him, and played it low when he was present. He thought it was fair, after being so secretive himself, so he never considered that they would one day mention this big elephant that rode with them.

“We didn’t want to scare you or something”, Yunho said quietly after some explaining. They were all sitting in the bigger bed - Yeosang included, he was still not perfectly well but he was much better and was glad he’d woken up for such important talk - in circle so they could all face one another. “It was probably scary enough to suddenly be invited to ride a van with other four men you’ve never met before.”

San gave him a half smile, and indeed it went quite awkward very fast and _in a scary way_ at the beginning. Acting by impulses, against how he was raised, at risk of doing something really dumb and it ending up being fatal for him. He was kinda lucky they ended up being the nicest people he has ever met. And by kinda he meant _hella_.

“I understand”, he told them, and he really did. He could imagine how awkward it must have been for the others to talk about how they’d tell him about all of this, about how they’re all kinda together but also not really, and that maybe they wanted him to be part of this… whatever it is. He had some hard time once he noticed there was something up, and that he kinda didn't like to feel like he didn't belong, because he wanted that. Despite thinking that he was bothersome most of the time, that he was an extra burden, he was also really okay with the idea of being part of them. A definitive part of them, an extra piece that didn't feel extra at all. He wasn't even much of an extra to begin with, instead, he was a piece that fitted just right.

There were simply a few adjustments needed for them to get used with the change. That was it.

“You don't have to, like”, Mingi said after a long period of silence, “force yourself into this, or anything. Maybe we should've come up to you sooner so it was easier for you, but--”

“It's fine, really”, San spoke again. “I already kind of knew about this. You didn’t really quit the flirting and touching once I stepped in too. Especially when we’re either drunk or high. I suspected there was something going on and I thought a lot about it.”

“Thought, huh”, Yeosang finally spoke, voice still quite hoarse. “About us?”

He could feel his cheeks hot. “Yeah. Once it clicked that there was something I couldn’t stop wondering and questioning. It took me some time to get the answers to my questions and I am still unsure about many things but I do know I wanna be part of this. I’m comfortable around you all and I trust you.”

The other four didn't immediately speak after him, probably letting it sink down. In the meantime San kept breathing deep to calm himself down, feeling a bit anxious out of suddenly. Well, he has never been this honest with them before, telling them so much about his what went through his mind, and it was _about_ them this time.

Yunho sighed. “Okay.”

The green haired blinked at him. “Okay? That's all?”

“ _Yeap_.”

“We've talked a lot within ourselves”, it was the youngest who spoke. “About including you or how you'd react, if you were actually interested or if we were reading the signs wrong, all of that. So we kinda had our expectations up about this day.”

“We would have made a bet if we weren’t all broke”, Yeosang added, making all of them smile.

“I just have one thing to ask from you”, it was Mingi who spoke, voice soft. “Open up to us, about what you like and your boundaries, all of that. It's really important for us to know it’s actually okay. And never agree to something you don’t want to. We are all a little fucked up here, we don’t want to make shit harder on anyone. We are here for each other.”

San breathed in and out. His chest felt heavy, as if it was too hard to breathe properly, but also he felt a bit relieved to have this conversation. He was glad. Just glad. “Okay. I promise I'll do it.”

He smiled, but then turned to their oldest. “And Yunho, you should have taken this slower. It could have gone in the wrong direction.”

“I _know_ ”, he said slightly exasperated, tone a bit rough. “I was drunk, San was drunk and he was practically throwing himself at me. It was the biggest green flag I’ve ever seen and you guys know how much I had thought about it. I couldn’t _not_ kiss him.”

“You could’ve told us afterwards though”, Wooyoung said.

Mingi scoffed, pointing at him. “ _You_ knew about it but you didn’t say it either. Instead you were literally making out with him not long ago.”

The youngest opened his mouth to protest but San spoke first. “It’s kind of my fault though, that things happened like that. And the timing wasn’t favourable either.”

“It’s okay, San, I could have waited until Yeosang got better tomorrow to talk”, Wooyoung sighed. “I let my impulse and curiosity control me again.”

“Hey, let us not beat ourselves over what could have been done”, the pink haired man spoke after a while. “It happened already and it’s fine, everything is fine.”

“I guess you’re right”, the blue haired one sighed. “Sorry. Just kinda wanted to give a warning or something. A heads up.”

“You’re right though”, Yunho said, resting his arm on his shoulders, putting him closer. “By the way, I’m glad you’re here to put us in place.”

He scoffed again. “After creating this mess I guess it’s the bare minimum. Either way, Yeosang does it much more than me, and better.”

“Yah,stop being harsh on yourself!”, Wooyoung shouted a bit too loud, getting a complaint from the pink man. “Sorry. But really, we’re all glad to be here together, with our flaws and whatever, so don't be so hard on yourself when you fuck up. We all fucked up a lot until today but it's all fine now.”

San smiled at that, nodding at his words. Yeah, they were all on the same page and they were all happy like that. It _was_ all fine. With or without fucks up.

 

 

 

 

 

After the whole conversation from a couple of hours before, San couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and so he found himself by the small table that was located on their rented room, staring at his drawing book. He had considered that if he did some sketches he’d distract himself, relax a bit and be able to sleep, but that didn’t seem to be working.

At first, he tried doing just what he did most of the time he drew, which was to copy whatever he was looking at, but he soon realized it was too dark for him to do so, and he didn’t want to accidentally wake up the others by turning on the lights. So, instead, he decided to draw random shapes, random things that popped into his mind. He had never done something like that before and it was quite an experience by the beginning, but his lines were too experimental and thus too light for the lack of vision he was dealing with. So the artist man tried again, adding extra pressure onto his grip to make the contrast between the paper’s light colour and the graffiti’s dark tone stronger, easier to check what he was doing. It was a bad mistake: the tip left a loud snap sound, soon falling from the pencil and hitting the surface of the page. San froze, staring as it rolled over the paper until it stopped, staring back at him, silently asking how he’d distract himself now. _Great_. He didn’t have a sharpener nor any proper blade and didn’t know where he could find another pen or pencil for him to draw, and he wouldn’t hopelessly look for a substitute at such hour, with his companions asleep. Instead, he sighed, face soon meeting his palm as his fingers went through his unnatural hair in frustration, texture different from what he was used with, ruined by the bleaching process it had faced a couple of days prior.

A thought came into his mind, reminding of the day his hair lost its natural hue and found himself laughing at the memory. Despite the whole pain he had gone through to get his light green, despite the fear of losing all of his hair, it was a special day for him. It was probably the first time that he has ever considered that maybe he wasn’t a plus one, that maybe the others wanted him to belong as much as he wished, that maybe he should trust them with all his had.

That was a word Choi San repeated a lot when it was about the five of them. _Maybe_. And now that they had the talk, that they told him with all the words that he was one of them, that he was part of this, whatever it was, he felt silly. He told himself he wasn’t blind, he paid attention to people’s behaviours and analyzed them until he could understand it, but when it was about himself and how others saw him there was always this maybe telling him he was wrong. He wasn’t blind but he was _silly_ , because they had dropped so many hints at his face and that day specifically it was all so obvious how accepting they were towards him. But San had just shrugged it off.

The idea came from Wooyoung. Somehow he was always the one who got ideas like this, be it because he was the youngest or just because he was the most impulsive, the now green haired man was still quite unsure. But he ended up bringing it up to his older companions and he managed to convince them all to dye their dark hair colours into something extravagant, saying it would a sign that they were their own person but still in the same boat, apart from what people expected from them but still living with each other’s company. Like a squad code, he had said, which made at least half of them cringe, he included.

It was so obvious that it was a sign that they were all together, that they were equal and no one would be left behind, but back then he just shrugged it off, saying that maybe he wanted him to belong, but _also maybe_ he just said that to not be obvious that he didn’t want him there. Or that they wanted him to feel included, but not with the same importance as the others, considering he believed they saw him as still just an extra.

“Sannie should go first”, Wooyoung had decided for no reason at all and, like always, he accepted in silence. “You said you didn’t care about what your new colour would be so I picked green. Since, you know, you’re San and San is mountain and mountains are green.”

“You came up with that on your own?”, Mingi, the only one inside the small toilet of the flat besides the youngest and his assistant of the day, joked with a snort.

“Yup. I’m pretty amazing, aren’t I”, he said proudly, opening whatever product he had in hands. “I need to put this on your hair to make it lighter, then I can put the green.”

“Is it going to be super light or…”, San started asking, trailing off by the end of the sentence.

Wooyoung tilted his head at him. “Whichever you rather.”

He blinked at that, still unsure about it himself. But, well, he was already there, dyeing his hair a weird colour, something he’d probably never do. And sure it could all go to shit and he’d go bald, but hair grows, right? He wouldn’t lose it all on his first try either, he couldn’t be that unlucky. _Right_? So he thought that maybe playing safe this one time would not be the greatest idea. He could ruin the fun. “Let’s go light then.”

“That’s what I like”, he said with a few giggles, his assistant nodding by his side.

“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”

Wooyoung stared at the oldest of the trio with an offended expression. “ _Have I done this before_? Mingi, tell him if I’ve done it before.”

He rolled his eyes. “He’s done enough times to know how to not fuck up your hair. Trust me, the first time he tried this Yeosang had a bald spot for weeks, but that’s past now. You can trust him.”

“Thank you.”

San frowned in worry. “That’s not really assuring.”

“That’s all you have”, the youngest shrugged. “Now come here, I gotta add this onto your head.”

He remembers sighing at the younger, letting him do whatever he had to and regretting it seconds later. Maybe he should have played it safe, even if the fun got ruined or whatever. His hair would still be intact, or less damaged, and he could leave the risk for later, for when he was used with the stress and pain. That shit itched, in an annoying way that tested his patience, but Wooyoung kept telling him that it was normal, that if nothing felt burning then it was okay. He wanted to wash it off as soon as possible and never ever follow his ideas ever again, but he gulped down and decided to trust him.

The only moment he stopped regretting of dyeing his hair was when he saw it finished. He was shocked at how different and… _good_ he looked. Mingi has given him a small mirror once it was done, all the bleach and ink washed, hair still a bit wet. He could barely recognize himself, but of _course_ it was him, it couldn’t be anyone else. Still, it was… hard to believe.

“How is it?”, Wooyoung asked him in a quiet tone.

San wanted to reply to him with something smart, saying exactly what he had thought, but words didn’t leave his mouth, still quite in shock. “It’s… _woah_ ”, he said instead, as embarrassing as the memory was.

But the other two just laughed at it with no harm. “See? You had nothing to worry about. So, wanna show off to those other two?”

He rolled his eyes but nodded, San was really feeling himself and indeed he wanted to show off, trying his best to dry it with a towel and brushing it before leaving the toilet and meeting the older duo. Mingi and Wooyoung made sure to give him an extra introduction, saying things in the lines of it being a one if a kind event, never seen before, and other similar sentences. He rolled his eyes before stepping in, making Yunho’s jaw drop and Yeosang’s eyes widen. He has always hated being the centre of their attention, of having so many people looking at him, but this time he felt treasured and it was a good feeling.

“It really fits you”, the oldest said after a while breaking the silence.

“Doesn’t it? I always know what's better”, it was the youngest who spoke this time, proud of his work as he moved his hand around the older’s bangs until he stopped and turned to the other three men. “So, who is going next? Except for Yunho, he bailed.”

“I did _not_ ”, he defended himself. “I’m still going to make it lighter than this black. I just don’t want to hurt my hair too much, so I'll pass the extravagant colours.”

The other pouted. “Brown hair is boring.”

“It’s still something”, Mingi defended the older.

His pout refused to leave his lips. “I guess. Just admit you’re too much of a scared cat to do it. Same goes for piercings.”

Yunho showed the other his tongue as his very nature reply. Yeosang, who was next to the older, rolled his eyes and got up. “Fine, I will be the next one then. So you two children will stop bickering.”

San found himself laughing at their conversation, and a couple of hours later they were all done. His green hair, Yeosang’s pink, Mingi’s blue, Wooyoung’s purple and Yunho’s - _unfitting_ , as the youngest had said - brunet look. They looked different but it only made them more stunning, in San’s opinion. It was different but it was definitely a good thing, and he was so glad that he managed to be part of this.

They had celebrated their new hair colours by drinking at the flat until late hours, laughing at literally anything, talking in gibberish until they fell asleep, ignoring that by the next morning they’d have to go to the road again. It had been fun, and San loved remembering of that day.

Which brings him back to _now_. To their talk, to this thing he was, with no more maybes, now part of. He was actually surprised how smooth it went, at least on his end, where they just told him they’ve thought of including him so much and were just waiting for the right time to do it properly, although things went faster after the incident at the club. He had expected them to ask more, to demand more, to give him more requirements for him to be fully accepted. Mingi had told him, he wanted him to talk more, and that was just it. It felt a bit unfair, he had to restrain him so much despite wanting this, the others knew Choi San but not entirely, it wasn’t a Choi San on his most truthful shape. He his most of his thoughts and stories, things that he wished he hadn’t hidden, things he expected the others to be mad for being hidden. But no, they had said he should tell them, but on his pace, in a way they could all manage to not hurt anyone, to not pressure anyone, to not accidentally break them a bit more. And maybe that would take him some time, but also, he felt like it was too little. He should have been asked to do more, for them.

San should do more, for them.

He heard some quiet steps in the room, turning to see that one of the others had woken up. “What are you doing here, San-ah?”, the voice he knew that belonged to Wooyoung spoke in a whispering tone, still half asleep.

The elder gave him a sad smile. “Did I wake you up? Sorry.”

“You didn't answer me”, he said with a pout, resting his head on top of the other's, arms wrapping him into a hug. “Is everything okay?”

He breathed in. If it had been any other day he'd just say that it was, brush it off and put the other to bed. But he _had_ to start being more real with them and this was an opportunity for him to practice his honestly. “Just overthinking about it all, trying to digest it.”

He heard the purple haired hum on top of him. “You worried?”

San sighed. “A bit.”

Wooyoung put his hands on his shoulders, slightly shaking him. “Don’t be. We will manage, together. It might be a bit scary but we are all here together.”

The older smiled at his words. “Yeah, you must be right. I’m worrying about nothing.”

“It's good to worry, just don’t let it consume you”, he assured him. “But hey, let's go back to bed. You must be super tired and I want my cuddle buddy back.”

“You have Yunho too, you know”, he joked.

“All of you are my cuddle buddies, but I picked you for tonight.”

San laughed but decided not to refute, following the younger back to the double bed, where the brunet man was already asleep. “Good night, Wooyoung-ah”, he said after they lied down, the purple haired one hugging him from behind.

“Good night, Sannie.”

The older closed his eyes, thinking back on their talk, and how much they were important to him, and how much he wanted it to work. He concluded that he should be more truthful with them, should restrain himself less, and with that in mind, he slept.

 

 

 

 

 

San turned to the pink haired boy after breakfast the next day. “Yeosang-ah, wanna go for a walk or something?”

The older made a face at it. “You _hate_ walks.”

“Yeah, but I need to get some art materials. Mingi’s pencil doesn’t have a tip anymore and he has no sharpener”, he said calmly. “And some company would be nice. Also, maybe some fresh air will do you good after yesterday, so. You coming?”

He gave the other a small laugh at that. “When you put it like that it’s a bit hard to say no. And you have a point, probably the fresh air will do me well”, he said, getting up and putting on his shoes so they could part. “So, art materials, huh? I didn’t know you liked that kind of stuff.”

San breathed in and out before replying, walking by his left. “It used to be my number one hobby. I kinda stopped doing it before leaving but I decided to go back.”

“That’s cool”, he said in his normal tone that for someone who didn’t know him sounded like he had no interest, but the younger knew it was the opposite. “Do you have anything to show later? I’m quite curious now.”

He gulped down, already expecting the question but still uncomfortable with the idea. Well, he had always seen his art as something private, personal, but his newer drawings did include some doodles of them, or even full detailed portraits, and that made the entire thing more embarrassing for him. He returned to his hobby recently but there were already many new drawings. There were mostly of the room they were temporarily in but the majority of those had the four of them somehow: Yunho sleeping, Mingi reading, Wooyoung eating, Yeosang sleeping, Mingi and Yunho cuddling, Wooyoung spacing out… The idea of showing it _to them_ made him even shyer. “Maybe”, he decided to reply, not looking at the older.

He heard him scoff but it wasn’t teasingly. “It’s fine if you don’t want to.”

“It’s just a bit weird for me”, he found himself admitting it out loud. “No one was interested in my art before, my parents didn’t even like that I drew so much, and suddenly everyone around me wants to see it. It’ll get some time for me to get used to the change.”

“Don’t waste your time thinking about people from back then. They’re behind now”, he said quickly. Yeosang’s expression hardened, the other could tell.

“I _know_ that, but it’s a bit hard not to think about them, despite all.”

The older sighed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped like that. But it’s a bit sensitive for me, parents and stuff.”

“…It’s fine”, he said and soon, they stayed silent, the only sound between them being their footsteps. They were lucky that there were many small shops around the area their motel was located, those types that had a bit of everything. San would certainly find good materials for his drawings in one of them, even if they were cheap and of inferior quality of those he had back home, but he wasn’t going to complain. The fact he could draw without the worry of getting called lazy or without the drawings being thrown away without his knowledge was already worth it.

“There is more stuff than I had expected”, he admitted out loud. “Do you like markers or colouring pencils better?”, the older asked after a while, looking around the shelves.

“I’ve never used markers, actually”, he pointed it out. He didn't really use many colours either, he was more familiar with gravity and ball pens drawings more than everything. He has used colouring pencils before though and he didn't exactly hate it, but it wasn't his cup of tea. Yet he had always been curious about using other types of media, like watercolour, brush pens and also… markers. “But I don’t really like colouring pencils. Do you think I should try it? To use markers, I mean.”

The pink haired man nodded after putting it some thought. “I don't see why not. You could even discover that you like it better.”

San nodded back, putting it on their shopping bag. “Okay, so I got two new drawing books in different sizes, a set of markers, a set of some drawings pencils, a sharpener and a rubber. Did I forget something?”

“Yeah.”

He turned to the other pouting in confusion. “I did? What was it, I can’t think of anything--”

“My kiss.”

The younger choked on air, face burning. “Yah, Kang Yeosang! Are you still drunk or something? Why are you--”

“Woah, calm down”, Yeosang looked at him surprised by the reaction. “I think after hibernating for a whole day I'm for sure sober. It's okay if you don't wanna do it here, in public, I'm just teasing you”, he grinned. “No need to be this serious.”

“Ah”, he smartly said, blinking away his embarrassment, hoping he wasn’t red. “It's okay. I just… wasn't expecting it, especially from you. That's the kind of stuff I'd hear from Wooyoung.”

That made the older laugh. “I guess it's the years of friendship.”

San irrationally started nodding at it. He didn't know they were friends for so long, but now they were in front of the cashier and so his attention diverted from the older for a while. He had insisted on actually paying, despite them being so short in money and having Yeosang with him, who’d be more than willing to help him rob his items if so he desired. But he didn't, he always felt bad afterwards even when robbing was the only option, unlike the one by his side who didn't see it as the crime it was. He was okay with eating less or sleeping in the van a day or two, but his morals were still important for him.

“We should get something to eat too. Since we’re already out we should get us all lunch.”

The younger one nodded at his words in agreement, following the other into a convenience store. For some reason, there was a silence around them as they walked around the shop, not one that was unpleasant, but San was _never_ a fan of silences. His mind when wild whenever it was unoccupied, and so he decided to start a new conversation. “Can I ask something that has been bothering me for a while?”

Yeosang just hummed in affirmation without looking at him.

“What was your relationship with your parents like?”

 _That_ brought him a big reaction, freezing on his spot and taking his time to look at San's direction, visibly tense. It made him regret asking and he'd apologize if Yeosang didn't _laugh_ , making him confused. “There really wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. Father broke up with my mother when I was young and I've never seen her sober. She often brought men home but I was barely there because I hated that she’d only spend time to me to scream at me for being born or”, he stopped himself for a while, cleaning his throat. “So it was probably inevitable that we’d never be close.”

The younger looked at him sympathetically. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be, it's not worth it.”

“Of course it is”, he said without thinking. “You’ve had it hard since the beginning. It must’ve been awful.”

Yeosang smiled sweetly, holding the green haired man's hand. “It’s okay. It was tough but then I’ve met those three losers and it was less tough. And also you, of course.”

“Have you known them for long?”, San quickly asked, making the older tilt his head and frown his head, smile still on his lips.

“Why are you asking so much today?”

He gulped down. “After yesterday I realized I don’t say much and figured that I should do it. And there is a lot I want to ask but never did. You happen to be the first one to be questioned this much by me.”

Yeosang laughed and _oh damn_ , he just then realized that their faces were quite close now. San could see his birthmark perfectly, and he was absolutely beautiful from this view, from up close. It was almost unfair that someone with that much handsomeness existed. “Wow, I’m impressed. You’re interrogating me after refusing to kiss me.”

San gave him a glare but instead of refuting it he stepped closer to the other. “If I kiss you now will you answer it all?”

He smirked. “Maybe.”

The younger one frowned at him but didn’t let his grin leave his face, getting closer to Yeosang and claiming his lips. He could feel the other smile at the contact, still holding his hands and pulling him, trying to deepen the kiss.

“Stupid fags”, he heard someone’s voice, someone he didn’t recognize, and immediately stepped back in shock. By the look on Yeosang’s face he heard it as well, turning angrily to where the voice had come from but not finding its owner, their section empty except for the two of them.

“Who the f--”

“Don’t”, San said with a weak voice and he hated how much a simple word had affected him. But he couldn’t help but remember when he told his parents that he was gay and how utterly disgusted they both had been, telling him much worse.

He shouldn't have fucking flirted and kissed him at such public place. He should’ve known better.

The older probably noticed how he was affected by what had just happened, trying to calm down with a sigh. “Let’s just get our food and get the hell out of here”, he said, grabbing San’s hands a second time even after he seemed reluctant to do it. He added a couple of more items onto their bag and headed to the cashier in silence, stepping out as soon as possible. “I know it’s hard to do it but pay them no mind. They don’t fucking matter.”

The green haired boy looked to the floor. “We were the ones being indiscrete.”

Yeosang quickly turned at him, not believing his words. “No, San-ah. It was a quick touch, nothing much. Straight couples can even make out in public. We _weren’t_ being indiscrete.”

He sighed. “I know. But if I hadn’t kissed you we wouldn’t have dealt with that, so I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be”, he stopped walking, holding his arm strongly. “Don’t be sorry, you did nothing wrong. Fuck them, seriously. They make us think ill of ourselves for literally no reason despite their own hateful ideas. _Don’t_ be sorry, you’re not in the wrong side here, okay?”

The younger breathed in and sighed loudly. “Fine”, he said quietly, not really knowing what to say besides sorry.

“Let’s forget about this”, the pink haired spoke again, going back to walking to the motel. “I still owe you answers, don’t I? I can get my full kiss later.”

That made San smile for some reason. “I had asked if you knew those three for long or not. Sometimes you speak as if you were long time friends.”

“Ah”, he said in a low tone but was soon grinning again. “Yeah, it’s been almost five years now. We weren’t close before this whole thing though.”

“Really? Were you just acquaintances by then?”

“Kinda?”, he laughed at his own reply. “Like, I knew this hyung, who knew this other hyung, who was dating Yunho - you know, _that_ one ex -, who knew Mingi and Wooyoung. I barely had proper conversations with them, they were just small chats, but I knew their faces and names and we hang out together a couple of times. I gotta admit I didn’t really feel much comfortable with that, but it was better than being at home, and I guess it wasn’t completely bad. I was just too awkward around them? Until I heard they were leaving without any destination, not from them but from the hyung I was close to. And I got curious and asked them directly, because… I knew they were planning that because they wanted to escape and I wanted to escape too”, Yeosang shrugged after finishing. “They knew the situation at home was bad so they let me. And I’m glad I did, because I got to know them better and now they’re the most important people in my entire life.”

San caught himself smiling at the older. “I didn’t know you all had this history already.”

“Oh, but we didn’t”, he assured him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “It was pretty much the same with you, being at the bottom and not knowing what to do to get up, and finding people to relate by being at the bottom. Except that instead of trying to do our best to rise we are still at our worst and keep fucking up.”

He gave Yeosang a glare, a question he has never had before blooming in his head. “Do you not like it?”

“What do you mean?”

“If we could stop fucking up and try to be better, would you rather that to what we have?”

The pink haired man scoffed. “Not really. I’m not sure, but honestly I’ve thought about it before. It crosses my mind but I think things are fine like this.”

San nodded. Yeah, maybe it was fine like this. They were just trying to go with their lives, without bringing anyone any more trouble. And that was what mattered the most, so maybe staying at the bottom forever wouldn’t be too bad.

Maybe. Something bothered him but he was probably the only one, so he ignored it, soon arriving at their room.

 

 

 

 

 

“So this is where you decided to hide”, Mingi’s voice came inside the van, entering without permission as San drew quietly on his own, occupying the back seat for more comfort. He considered that it was his vehicle anyway so the older didn’t mind the intrusion.

He shrugged instead, not giving him attention as he sat down beside him. “Not hiding.”

“Really? You just came inside here after lunch, told no one where you were headed to, with my keys in hands despite not asking me to get them. Looks like hiding for me. Or running away.”

“I wouldn’t go far, I’m gay and gays can’t drive.”

That made the younger laugh. “Yunho’s a whole gay and knows how to drive, so try again”, he laughed, getting something from his pocket. “Mind if I smoke a bit?”

“Didn’t you say you’d quit?”

He left a small groan. “ _Yeah_ , but I’ve been thinking so much these days and I guess I had a relapse.”

The older frowned, visibly displeased by that, but he wasn’t going to be rude at him. He knew it’d be better to not mention it, not now. It would do him no good. “Fine, you _can_ smoke. But only if you don’t blow it on my face.”

The blue haired didn’t say a thing, opening the window by his side and lighting up a cigarette. “What are you drawing this time?”

San breathed in and out. “Nothing. I’m trying to make something without drawing something specific, if that makes sense?”

“Like abstract art?”

“I guess”, he said, raising his notebook so the younger could see. The page has lots of red and oranges and it looked like the markers were quickly scrubbed onto the paper without minding about its final form.

Mingi stared at it for a while, taking the notebook in hands to see it clearly. “You seem angry.”

“Do I?”, he said and then sighed. “I guess I am.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head. “I just remembered of my parents, said stupid shit and regret it. So I’m trying to relieve stress with these things.”

His companion nodded. “Yeosang said you met someone unpleasant.”

“He did, huh”, San sighed. “Are you here to scold me for the shit I said?”

“No. I don’t blame you for reacting like that and I can assure you nor does he”, he said, holding his hand. “I came here because I was worried about you. And I needed to smoke.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, it’ll pass eventually”, the artist closed his drawing book, turning his attention completely to his companion. “What’s bothering you?”

Mingi breathed in the chemicals, turning to the window to blow it away before turning back at him. “I’m worried about you all. Money is short and we're all too fucked to do anything about it. I can’t picture any of us being responsible and shit. Maybe Yeosang would but I feel like he doesn’t really want to, and maybe Yunho too, but he’s not the leader type. Someone needs to do something first and tell him to follow up for him to react.”

He hummed. “And you and Wooyoung?”

Mingi tsked. “Wooyoung _likes_ this. I think he’s the one who likes it the most, so I think he’s too blind to see the complications of this lifestyle. And I act like I’m responsible but I really am not. I’m fucked up a lot, I just hate seeing you all equally fucked up and think about trying to do something. But I _fucking can’t_. Because I don’t know what to do, how to fix it. I fucked with their lives, San.”

“No you didn’t”, he said instantly. “If you didn’t run away from your problems you would have never found me and given me importance.”

“Running away is cowardly”, Mingi refuted.

The older tilted his head. “You’re saying you regret running away?”

That made the other pause, thinking deeply. “I don’t regret running away. But I hate that I dragged them when we should have stayed and fixed shit. I feel like after running away everything just got worse?”

“You think Yeosang would be happier living with a drunk mom who didn’t care for him, trying to fix her or something like that?”, the older suddenly snapped, making the other shut up and stare at him in shock. He sighed. “He told me. I asked and he told me that. He’s thankful you let him run with all of you. _I_ am thankful that you let me run with all of you. Mingi, I was _disinherited_. I came out to my parents and they said I’d have to fix this and become a perfect straight son or they’d rather never see my face again. They would probably rather that I died instead of being gay. I did them a favour by leaving”, he kept talking without thinking, letting it out like that. San caught himself smiling at his words, an angry smile, because how could the younger think he had ruined them when it was the opposite? “If you hadn’t found me that day who would know what would have happened to me. I’d be walking vulnerable and would either be killed by fatigue, hunger, hit by a car or murdered by some bandit. You _saved_ me, and I’m sure all of them are thankful to you for something too. And I’m sure that whatever happened to you was just as awful that you couldn’t see any other option but run.”

“You really _are_ angry, huh.”

“No offence, but shut the fuck up.”

He laughed. “I deserved that”, the younger said after he blew more smoke to the window and threw his cigarette away. “Maybe it was good for you, but I really can’t help but think that I behaved badly. I could’ve faced them though. I just didn’t want to, and I dragged them all and made then run from their own issues as well. Maybe they would be stronger if they hadn’t followed me, maybe _I_ would be stronger if I hadn’t run.”

He breathed in and out, calming himself down. “Care to tell me the whole thing? Or, like, the important points.”

“It’s pretty dumb. I knew I was bi since young, had this _huge_ crush on one boy from the church. He was just a year younger than us, starting his university life. He was part of the church's choir, as well as the son of the priest, which only made it harder for me because I knew that if I tried to do anything it would be trouble. But he liked trouble”, he smiled at the memory, “and was _curious_ , you know? About the whole man to man thing. So we hang out a lot, and kissed a lot, and ended up fucking a bit. It was nice and I liked it, plus he seemed to like it too. _Then_ we got caught. Everything went to hell, literally. No one at the church saw me with good eyes again, believing I had polluted him or whatever. And… he took their side.”

“What a bitch”, San said without thinking, putting a hand over his mouth after realizing what he did, apologizing for that.

“Honestly? I agree”, he said sadly. “But he’s the one who had it worse, I guess. Lying about himself and restraining his true self. Yet the whole atmosphere was shit so I just decided to take this van and get the fuck out. I don’t remember how or why I mentioned it to Yunho and Wooyoung but I did, and they told me if I was going to escape that shithole of a city I should take them, and somehow I said yes. Even when Yeosang invited himself in I said yes. Still, I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t even _run_ to begin with.”

“Maybe”, the older caught himself saying, “but it was still good that you did. That place wasn’t good for you. That’s not what God taught us, to be heartless homophobic, much the opposite, He taught us love. Which you weren’t getting, and if they asked you to leave with you they were probably feeling just as awful with their own problems. Just because you decided to leave those people behind instead of staying doesn’t make you a coward or weak, quite the opposite. You were brave enough to turn your back at them.”

“I guess”, he said in a quiet tone and sighed. “Tell me, San, are you religious?”

That took him some time to answer. “Yes but not that much. I believe in God and that’s it.”

“I don’t think he’s real, no more”, Mingi said sadly after a nod. “He’s too cruel if he _does_ exist. I’d rather not believe at all, it’s less bothersome I guess.”

“It’s understandable.”

The van stayed quiet for a while, the two of them just quietly appreciating each other’s companies. San noticed that Mingi’s hand was still holding his and he smiled at that, caressing it. The younger turned to look at their hands but didn’t move them.

His heart felt warm at that and he smiled at the blue haired man. “I will be the responsible one you want, okay?”

He blinked. “What?”

“I was thinking about it earlier, actually. About what if we stopped being satisfied with running away, with being at our worst every day, and actually try to be better.”

“I'm… not following.”

San sighed. “What if we stopped running from our past? What if instead, we fought for a better future?”

It took a while for the other to react to his words, expression showing shock until it merged into a look of pure joy. “I think it would be the best, for all of us. We’d heal.”

He nodded. “I thought of that too. It'd be good for us to move on from our demons. Even if we have a hard time doing that, we have each other for support.”

Mingi visibly agreed with him. “You think that they will like the idea?”

The green haired man bit his lips. “Maybe, maybe not. Still, we should talk about it calmly until we can all agree into that. Like we always do.”

“Of course”, he laughed at the older. “This is just day one for you but you're already so much more honest and open. I'm loving it.”

He rolled his eyes. But fuck, he got a point. “Shut up, Mingi-yah.”

The younger hugged him, cuddling with the older. “I could kiss you right now.”

San stared at him. “What you're waiting for?”

“Permission?”, he asked innocently.

He rolled his eyes at that and, without permission, locked his lips onto Mingi's.

“Ew, you taste like smoke. Gross.”

Mingi laughed at it in embarrassment. “I’ll quit for real”, he promised, and San trusted him.

 

 

 

 

 

“I have something to suggest to all of you”, San spoke as soon as he got back into the room, Mingi behind him holding his hand.

“Isn’t it too soon for all of us fuck at once?”, Wooyoung asked as if it was no biggie, earning a slap from their oldest. “Ouch, Yunho-yah! It was a joke!”

“We are all ears”, Yeosang spoke in his monotonous voice, ignoring the other two.

“I don’t think it’s a thing we will all agree on”, he started after taking a small breath, “but it’s a thing that crossed my mind, and a thing that has been worrying Mingi.”

“Oh-oh”, the youngest spoke quietly, turning his expression into one more serious, sitting straight. The other two too seemed to be paying more attention now, and that made San a bit nervous. But there was still a hand holding his, assuring him it was fine. It was just a small talk, nothing definite yet. He didn’t need to be nervous. “Well, you know that tomorrow will be our fourth day here, so we would need to talk about our stay anyway. But I changed my mind about a few things and, well…”, he paused to lick his lips. “I want to suggest us to stop running.”

He watched at the three of them digested his words, having their own reactions. Yeosang was the quickest to react, face lighting up. “Is this about what you asked me today?”

“Yeah. About if we stopped fucking up and tried to raise from the bottom.”

Yunho tilted his head at that, resembling a confused puppy. It was obvious that the mere thought had never crossed his mind, but by the way he was staring at nowhere specific, eyes frowned and mouth open, he was considering. Which for San it was already something.

Wooyoung, however, didn’t look _a bit_ pleased with the idea. “Why are you coming up with that so suddenly?”

“Because we are worried, especially me”, it was Mingi who spoke this time, grip still with the other’s hands. “We can’t keep running away from our problems and ignore them. Look at us, full of issues that we pretend that we don’t know, riding to nowhere and drowning in our own angst. This isn’t a lifestyle.”

“Of course it is”, the purple haired one said with a scoff. “We’ve been doing this for over a year, and San for half that time. We’ve seen nearly all of Korea twice or so and had so many great memories while doing this. And we have each other. There isn’t much more to worry about.”

“Yeah, except for food, money, where to stay and our safety”, Mingi said frowning.

“We manage. Sleep on the van and robbing is always an option”, Wooyoung said, turning to the pink haired one. “Right, Yeosang? You say it all the time.”

The man in question stiffed at the mention of his name, gulping down before speaking. “It’s an option if we stay satisfied with the worst”, he replied in a low tone, making everyone silent. When it came to breaking the rules, he was one of the first ones who didn’t mind it, just nodded and did what was needed. So it was quite a shock to hear that from him. “But if they want something better for all of us, it’s not. And that’s exactly what they’re bringing up. That we should change for the better.”

The youngest stared at Yeosang, and then for the two still standing at the door, face mirroring something that seemed to be betrayal. It hurt San to see him like that. Mingi had said that he liked this the most and he should have expected him to have a reluctant reaction, still… it hurt.

“We don’t need to do anything right away, you know that”, it was the oldest who said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “They’re just saying what they think. They don’t seem happy with how we are dealing with everything and they have good reasons for that.”

“I… understand. But I really don’t agree.”

“We aren’t returning to what we left”, San spoke again. “Because, seriously, fuck them. We don’t need that. But we can’t keep fucking up because of our past. We should be better.”

Mingi held his hand tighter as he stopped speaking, showing his support. He could also see that Yunho was grinning at his words, probably agreeing with them, and how Yeosang seemed to be thinking on the matter. Wooyoung sighed, getting up. “I need some time for that.”

“It’s okay”, the blue haired one spoke in a quiet get warm tone. The younger didn’t reply, instead, he walked past them and left the room, slamming the door as he left. The sudden sound made San jump on his soles, blinking at his reaction.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, you did not”, Mingi said beside him. “You did everything right. Thank you for”, he started but never finished. Instead, he hugged him, trying to pass his message like that instead. He put his hands on the taller one’s back, chin resting on his shoulder.

“I’ll go talk to him”, it was Yeosang who said that, walking towards the door to follow their youngest but not without giving the two of them a kiss on their cheeks. San soon felt another body joining him and the blue haired with their hug and, by exclusion, he was certain it was Yunho. That, and because his long arms wrapped the two of them.

“Everything will be okay”, he said what the pink haired one always repeated, reassuring. “We will talk it out calmly and get into a consensus, like always. There is no need to worry.”

San knew he was right, and so he breathed in and tried his best not to worry. Deep down he still did, but he knew that in the end things would get better.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, everyone packed up everything?”, the oldest of the five spoke after a while by the door.

“No!”, Wooyoung and San’s loud voices came in seconds, the two walking around the room nonstop to scan the place, in search for anything they might have forgotten.

During breakfast they had talked about their stay, this being the fourth day. Both the green haired and the pink haired, who had previously preferred to stay more, had changed their minds, and although their youngest had changed his as well and wouldn’t mind an extra day or two at their stay, he opted to let it be. And, so, they decided to part somewhere between lunch and dinner.

They didn’t question about San’s suggestion from the previous night. It has been just that, a suggestion, and one that would require a lot of talking and planning before any type of action. So he didn’t pressure any of the others to discuss. He knew that it would stay in their minds, thinking about it deeply, and then they’d discuss it properly. Especially Wooyoung, who still seemed to be against the idea of a change. Maybe it was something deeper for him and the slightly older one didn’t want to pressure him into reminding him of bad memories. Mingi did say he was the one who liked this the most, and by the way he cherished them all, it was clear that there was something he’d rather not poke. So he just did that, just what the younger always did to San. He gave him space.

And it was all right. He’d eventually come to him, to them, and they’d talk and solve it, together. It was okay.

“Yah, Mingi and Yeosang are waiting for you two.”

“Wait for a bit, Yunho-yah, please”, the purple haired exclaimed in frustration.

“Well, I am finished”, San said happily. “And you, Wooyoung-ah? You want help to find whatever you are looking for?”

The younger smiled. “As expected from my favourite. I can’t find my favourite pair of earrings, you know, the one that has a circle here and it’s connected to a chain?”

San blinked a few times, staring at the other. “Like the one on your ear right now?”

Wooyoung froze, slowly moving his head to share at the older until he flew to the room’s toilet, checking himself in the mirror. “Oh my God, Choi San, my saviour!”

Yunho, who was still at the door, rolled his eyes at the two. “Can we please get going now?”

“Fine, mom”, the youngest said in a joking tone, closing his bag and turning his back to the rented room for the last time. San, who was following him with his own bag, closed the door and locked it, one hand rested on the knob, reluctant to let go.

“You okay?”, the brunet asked him after the other ran towards the van.

“Yeah. It’s just”, he stopped himself for a while. “A lot happened these past four days. I changed _a lot_ these past four days. It just feels so weird, this feeling”, he put a hand on his chest, still staring at the door. “I don’t even know what it is, but I don’t hate it. But since we’re leaving, it’s _heavy_.”

The older stepped closer to him, resting his hand on his shoulder. “That’s good, you know. To recognize you changed. You don’t have to worry about it, you are definitely someone better than when we first entered this room. Maybe happier too, but I can’t know for sure.”

He nodded, understanding his point. “Yeah, I believe I am happier. I guess that’s all that matters, huh”, he assured his companion, giving him a big smile.

Yunho smiled back at him, signalling him to go meet the others in the van, and so he did it, settled down his bag and sat at his favourite spot on the van: the backseat, window right beside him.

“So I have a map here”, Mingi spoke from the front seat after everyone was sitting down, “and this is the road we were on before arriving here. We could go to this direction, and it would take us to these three options.”

“Are any of the options close to a beach or something?”, it was Yeosang who asked, voice quiet. “It’s been a while since we last saw the sea, I kind of miss it.”

The one by the driver seat took his time to reply, looking throughout the paper in his hands. “Yeah, but it’s the longest road too. It’ll take us a while and there is no guarantee we will find a good place to rent.”

The pink haired one shrugged. “I’m fine with it.”

San cleared his throat. “Me too. I don’t care how long it’ll take us, I was _born_ on the sea, you know. I need salt water from time to time or I won’t survive.”

Wooyoung laughed beside him. “Well, I don’t really mind. You two?”

Yunho, sitting beside the driver, smiled at that. “I’m down.”

Mingi closed the map at that, turning on the van. “Let’s go see the ocean, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> things that influenced/inspired this fic:
> 
>   1. the song that also gave the title of this fic, [baco exu dos blue's te amo desgraça](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeO5EBBCPm0). the title literally translates to "i love you disgrace", but not like _i love disgrace,_ but using the word disgrace to cuss, thus i put goddamnit in the title. but the doc was called disgrace and its how i call this au when talking abt it so it is its second title sdfhkfjahjfkahfad anyway, the video only has portuguese subtitles but believe me when i say lyrics are REALLY EXPLICIT like it's porn in music, but i like the vibe it has and let it inspire me in some parts, like the club scene but not only. also i was listening to it most of the time i wrote this because my main idea was to be either a mature or explicit fic, but as i wrote this it made more sense to be less heavy. either way, this song is still important for this;
>   2. the mv for [bts' run](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Wn85Ge22FQ): the whole thing of lost and broken people trying to have some fun in a kinda fucked up/irresponsible way while also trying to become a better person and find themselves (at least it's how i see the universe of hyyh) inspired most of the interactions of the members, especially the one where they're talking about the past;
>   3. and last but not least, the mv for [triple h's 356 fresh](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gPQenyj1nI): surprise, surprise. i think it's an automatic thought to remember of this mv considering the main characters are running away from their past while riding together, so of course i let me get inspired by it. it's not a 356 fresh au though, as you can clearly see, but the concept was quite similar so yeah,,,.
> 

> 
> honourable mention for [this vlive](https://www.vlive.tv/video/99703?channelCode=C057DB) that was the biggest THAT'S IT I LOVE THOSE FIVE WITH MY ENTIRE BEING!!! also. them cherishing each other with aegyo and that ot5 ending. i love dying out of uwu overdose  
> and that's it! hope you liked it. honestly i'm not sure about this, even since i started i didnt know what i was doing until it ended and i was like "what is this even about?" so i hope i didnt bore you......... either way i feel. confused about this, i dont know if its good or not. its definitely different from my other fics, so there's that. i also liked the first few ideas that bloomed into this, but not sure if the final thing is worth it. regardless, feel free to comment your thoughts in here or on my sns, also feel free to hit me up anyway bc i wanna make more atiny friends,,,,,,, [twt](https://twitter.com/heecheondo) & [cc](https://curiouscat.me/heecheondo) ! and my [other links/about me](https://heecheondo.carrd.co/) is here feel free to check it pls thank u  
>   
> ps: hyung close to yeosang is seonghwa, yunho's ex is hongjoong and church boy is jongho. if you didn't catch that ! :p  
> oh and about wooyoung's past........ it's quite funny.......... because i had something planned, but also i wanted him to be secretive and not like to talk about it, so i would just drop hints. until i was writing the last scene and i realized I FORGOT WHAT HIS PAST WAS TO BEGIN WITH SO HOW CAN I HINT AT SOMETHING I FORGOT!!!! djfhakdfhadjs sorry son i swear i love you

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [i love you for free (disgrace, sweet disgrace)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18101120) by [heecheondo (HChnD)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo)




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